My Own Private Belljar

Yeetgadal v'yeetkadash sh'mey rabbah

2004-07-24T19:52:00.000+09:30

I lost a friend yesterday. She died. It was one of the tumours in her head that finally did it. For a year now it's been a question of when, not if. But she put up bloody good fight.

I haven't cried yet. The tears just won't come. I'm feeling the pain and the loss, but the outside just feels a bit numb. I'm not sure if I really believe it. Maybe that's what's suspending the full emotion. The funeral is on Wednesday. If I'm worried about the lack of tears now, I know there'll be no shortage of them then. At the moment all I can think of is Rachel. She's only 14 years old. How does a teenage girl develop into a woman without the most important woman in her life?

Amanda was deeply religious, although we never discussed the topic. Her being Christian and me being a Jew delving in to Buddhism. I hope her belief helped her in the end. I know we were all floundering to offer any inspirational words. Up until these last couple of weeks she had fought hard to appear positive or at least at peace with what was happening. But I was too close to her for that to work. The last six months have been so conflicting for me. I never would have deserted her but everytime I visited I felt guilty because with me she wanted to share her fears and regrets. I felt like I was the biggest reminder in her life of how unfair and cruel her battle really was.

I met Amanda a few years ago after she had first gone in to remission. She had lost both breasts to cancer a year before but things were looking promising. She was one of the kindest, most genuine people I'd ever met. We worked for the same organisation which can be a very negative environment. Every time staff member or customer lashed out at her or betrayed her trust and generosity, she would be so truly hurt and amazed by the incident. But it never stopped her giving every bit of herself. I've never worked with anyone else like her.

It's almost like she was too receptive to the emotions around her. She felt other people's pain with them. She loved her daughter and husband with more intense passion and outward emotion than I have ever seen in a woman. I sometimes worried that she gave so much of herself that she left too little for her own sake.

About 18 months ago she started getting pains in her chest and back. Her husband lost his job at about the same time so she ignored her own discomfort and focused entirely on him. They sold their home and moved into a rental while they looked for a new place and established their own business. Finally the pain could no longer be ignored and she went off to her doctor. By then she was riddled with tumours in her pelvis, up her spine and through her lungs. Her Specialist gave her about 4 to 6 months.

In a short period of time she lost her beautiful, thick auburn hair. Her face bloated, the nausea became permanent and the morphine ceased making any significant impact. This February the growths in her brain were discovered and they gave her a few weeks at most. Of course she had already celebrated a Christmas she wasn't expected to see.

About 6 weeks ago she went into respite care and 2 weeks ago she lost the use of her legs. The result of pressure on motor function regions of her brain. She was determined to get her legs moving again. That was her latest challenge.

She had a major cerebral stroke and passed away yesterday morning, Friday 23rd July 2004. I was supposed to be visiting her today.

I miss her already.

Ouch!!!

2004-07-18T18:14:00.000+09:30

All the left side of my jaw hurts. Right inside and up to my left sinus pocket. I woke up with it and thought I must have had a bad night of jaw grinding but it still hurts this evening. Poo! I've already had my wisdom teeth out, surely you can only sprout 4 of the fuckers?!

The chemical burn is getting better but it's still sore and scabby which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't on my face!! Gee, I'm a picture of health.

I went to Target and bought myself a few novels this afternoon. One of them I already own. Oops. Back to Target tomorrow, I guess. I keep meaning to print off a list of authors and bibliographies so I can tick them off as I buy and read them. Hmmm... good idea, that one.

Well, time to crank up the washing machine and cook some dinner (not in the washing machine, you understand.)

Be back later when I feel less sore, hungry and cold.

Now I am starting to worry

2004-07-16T01:59:00.000+09:30

I think I need to stop taking these dopey tests.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Dear God, what does this mean??!?

2004-07-16T01:55:00.000+09:30

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

and this I fear...

2004-07-15T18:21:00.000+09:30

Two shall be born...the whole wide World apart
and speak in different tongues...and have no thought
each, of the other's being...and no heed

and these same two
o'er unknown seas, to unknown lands, shall cross
escaping wreck, defying death
and all unconsciously
shape each act, and bend each wandering step
to this one end...
that one day, out of the darkness
they must meet
and read Life's meaning in each other's eyes

and these same two
along some narrow way of Life shall walk
so nearly side by side
that should one turn, ever so little space
to left...or right
they needs must stand acknowledged, face to face

and yet...

with wistful eyes, that never meet
and groping hands that never clasp
with lips, calling in vain, to ears that never hear
they seek each other all their weary days
and die unsatisfied

...and this is Fate.

Title Unknown - Dante Gabriel Rossetti

2004-07-15T12:35:00.000+09:30

Tiger squeezing in on the action

2004-07-15T12:34:00.000+09:30

Little Jackson sound asleep with me on the couch

WHAT DID I DO!??!?

2004-07-15T12:01:00.000+09:30

Somebody stop my boys from weeing in the house!!! I don't care if it's cold and raining outside... You're DOGS for F*CKS SAKE!!

Time for lunchy-munchies.

Videologists and Chemical Burns

2004-07-15T00:19:00.000+09:30

What, you may ask, do these two things have in common? I'm glad you asked! (Aaah, how I used to love Rob and Dean) <--- and if I have to explain who Rob and Dean are, then the point is academic, so either you understand or you don't and you need to live with that. Anyway, I digress... So to answer your question. Very little. Except of course they are both to be discussed in this entry.

Give me a break! It's really late. I'm tired, cold, thirsty and I couldn't think of a better title.

What I need to know is what's the best treatment for chemical burns. I have this rather unattractive deformation on my face (the joys of sensitive skin) that I'd love to rid myself of in the quickest time possible. Obviously I'd like to avoid permanent scarring as well, but currently the itching, dryness, scabby sensation, cracking, peeling and glow in the dark redness is my main preoccupation! LIKE I NEED THIS TO TAME MY IRRESISTIBLE, SIREN-LIKE BEAUTY!!

Seriously though, I have searched the net and found many informative sites and how to determine whether I have 1st, 2nd or 3rd degree burning, how to get more of it, if I so choose and what to do with it the very second it happens... But nothing on what I'm supposed to do after the fact. I have this uncontrollable urge to savagely exfolliate and then re-moisturise, but I know that would just end in tears.

Moving on...

Hmmmm... the Videologist. I doubt I would have even mentioned him except I was just updating myself on the past month or so of events from a Goth Perspective and read her brief theory regarding me running off with said Videologist.

Sadly, couldn't be further from the truth. Here's a heavily edited account of the last 2 months. Excuse the vagueness of my timeline, it's all blurred into one lately.

The last I'd mentioned, I had finally said "you should come over... blah, blah, blah". He said yes and he would call. Well, no call. In fact, he started to act a bit stand-offish. A well informed significantly older friend suggested that as he is PAINFULLY shy, perhaps the idea of entering my home as a first anything was a bit too full on and he was (for want of a better term) shitting himself.

Fair enough. So I emailed him and cleverly retracted the offer without hurting anyone's feelings. I also slipped in a reference to the fact that it was my birthday. (So subtle!) Lo and behold, I get a phone call the next day and a full rendition of "Happy Birthday" sung to me. Things are looking good. Next he lends me a friends DVD, it doesn't work on my player (different format) so he offers to lend me his machine because he knows it works on that one.

I demand he drop it off after work (he wanted me to come and pick it up from the store). He complies. However, as he arrives he informs me he is in a hurry (at 11:30pm on a Sunday?!), can't stay, must dash. Here's the machine, good to see you and *poof* gone!

So a week later I return his machine, the DVD and give him a token of my appreciation (the give away Harry Potter Castle in the Sunday Mail). NB/ He hates Harry Potter. Private joke. Highly appreciated and would you believe it... He FINALLY asks me to the movies.

The plan is he'll call me during the week to arrange a Friday night outing. 5pm Friday I receive an SMS saying lets make it Monday (it's a long week-end). Monday comes and goes and I hear nothing. I give him 24 hours to contact me and explain/apologise. Still, bubkis. At this point I send him a rather harsh message wondering whether he is still alive and receive an apologetic and humbling reply.

The following week he tries again and promises to call before the end of the week. And you guessed it!! Sweet FA!! I now resign myself to the fact that he is too gutless to explain that I got the wrong idea and he just wasn't interested, but he'd appreciate it if I would just FUCK OFF.

A few weeks pass by and I continue mulling over these events and decide I need to know the truth. He's back to being aloof and for me, it's make or break time! I send him the following... (or words to this effect)

"Hi ****. How's things etc. This needs to be said. I really enjoy your company and would love to catch up for coffee. But you need to tell me if that's what you want too. If I've got the wrong idea along the way, that's fine, just say. Either way, hear from you soon..."

No prizes for guessing his response. Because there wasn't one!! WTF?! It has been 3 weeks since I sent that. I dropped in to the store last Sunday for the first time since the SMS. He served me. A little awkward, but only because now I'm being stand-offish and he's trying to make conversation. No mention of the "you-know-what", just an odd feeling hanging in the air.

So I'm back to "what the fuck is going on in your head, Sunshine?!" and should really move on! But I can't. Or don't want to. If he wants me to rack off I wish he'd tell me!! I could just move on. But this not knowing is driving me nuts. Hmmm... I said this was going to be brief, didn't I? Sorry.

Please offer me some insight!! But be gentle.

Yes, It is I!!! The second shooter from the grassy knoll...

2004-07-14T17:21:00.000+09:30

Can you believe your eyes!! You heard the gossip, the rumours, the hearsay... But you didn't want to get your hopes up, fearing you could never bounce back from the inevitable grief if it was just another falsehood.

But I'm here to tell you.... that, umm... well, that I'm here. Again.

Well, that was a fizzer. I'll just get straight into it then. This is going to be a brief entry. Firstly because I am supposed to be at Bob's very soon with popcorn and the Shrek DVD (I've never seen the movie and the sequel is apparently quite good). Secondly, I'm all over the place like an old man's underwear and I need to get my thoughts in order before subjecting the wider community to them.

What I will say is catching up on 2 months of blog activity is no small task. Shit people, could you write less or at least don't do so much with your lives! There are a few special people I have missed/neglected a great deal recently. I will be making amends promptly. There are also those to whom I had just started to feel a closeness. These I will rebuild and nurture from scratch again.

I have missed you all (in a internet-blog-don't-actually-know-a-lot-of-you kind of way!!) and can't wait to get back into the swing of blogging.

By the way, just in case anyone is wondering why I disappeared, it was a combination of - couldn't make my mind up about which provider to go with and being otherwise occupied with my own mental and emotional meltdown. But I can share all those juicy details with you later.

Enormous imaginary kisses and hugs to you all!!!

2004-05-14T23:31:00.000+09:30

I LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL BOMBERS!!!!

I think I might be Possessed

2004-05-09T22:19:00.000+09:30

I did it!! I finally got fed up with all waiting and hoping and wondering and doubting... I asked the Videologist out. It took over 3 decades for me to come to terms with the concept of the woman making the first move, but I finally did it. Oh and he accepted. (Just in case you were wondering... And if you were, well that isn't very nice of you.)

He's waiting on the arrival of a certain "gift" he's organised for me and will be calling sometime during the week to find a night we're both free (which will be a mammoth task in itself). Then he's coming over to help me hook up the speakers on my home theatre bizzo and watch said "gift".

Faaaark, I'm too old for this dating scene shit. The questions and anxieties are already creeping in - What am I supposed to wear? I can't go normal at-home daggy (that's just too scary) but I can't overdress because I'm at home! - How do you smoothly handle the goodbyes on the first evening? I don't want any of that awkward leaning in/not leaning in shit. - How many days after the event do you follow up with a call? Should I do it or let him? If he calls me the next day I'm going to think he's obsessive, but if I don't hear from him within 24 hours I'm going to be convinced he hates me!

Oh My God, I had no idea I was this neurotic! I think I might have a couple of stiff drinks before he arrives.

You know, I've just realised why I'm being such a wanker. I've never "dated" before. This is all new territory for me - very weird. All my previous relationships were with people I'd already established a friendship with in either a work or social activity environment. We did all the getting to know each other stuff without any of the "dating" pressure, so by the time something developed, solid friendships had already been formed. Is it that strange that I've reached my 30's and have never been "out on a date"?

I guess, the way I've done it takes all the romance and courting out of the equation. Perhaps I'll be woo-ed. I quite like the idea of woo-ing. I think I just like saying woo. This Bastard better buy me flowers at some stage. That's an essential courting tactic, isn't it? I ain't puttin' out if I don't get some damn fine flowers!

What am I saying?!??! I am suffering acute sleep deprivation. I just read through what I've typed and you can actually tell I'm involuntarily rambling.

Dida, I think we need something really tacky, like "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" style get togethers to counsel me through this! A girls night in at my place. Home-made Marguerittas, Jules' Nachos, some good jazz in the background. What'ya reckon? Miss Catliciousness must also attend so that we can finally meet.

I'll leave the idea out there in the ether to evolve and refine. Any suggestions are welcome and encouraged. But we must not dilly-dally. I am in desperate need of help!

~kisses to you all~

If you only read one questionaire this year... don't make it this one!

2004-05-08T18:55:00.000+09:30

Here's the scene: Not quite 7pm on a Saturday evening. Large glass of bourbon and coke (with a straw - don't ask) and a bag of chewy caramels on the desk. Relaxed, but not tired. Horny as all hell and also antsy to boot. Yes, they are similar, but mildly and oh so importantly different.

Nothing to say, but an overwhelming urge to confabulate. So under these circumstances, what does a girl do? Well, ANOTHER LONG POINTLESS QUESTIONAIRE, of course!

Thank you Miss Catliciousness via MiFFi, once again for inspiring me to fill up a bit more of the vast information superhighway void with yet more crappidoodles!

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
Local option: Perhaps one of those merging in with the environment jobbies on a large block of land around Stirling area or a mega modern glass and gadgets thing right on the beach. Don't even care which beach really as long as it's metro.

What is your favourite article of clothing?
A t-shirt of *JD*'s he left behind. After 16 years "his smell" has gone but I can still see him wearing it.

Favourite physical features?
My eyes and skin and maybe also my cleavage

What's the last CD you bought?
Air - Moon Safari

Where are your favourite places to be?
In my bed surrounded by pillows, the beach at night and in winter, anywhere that has lots of animals

Where's your least favourite place to be?
My childhood, oh and the dentist waiting room (that smell!)

What's your favourite place to be massaged?
Fave would have to be shoulders, neck and scalp - but damn, I'll take it anywhere!!!

What time do you wake up in the morning?
Varies - but usually around 7:30am

What's your favourite kitchen appliance?
Appliance? Hmmm, I guess the kettle. But I'm more hands on. The best things in my kitchen are my Wustof Trident Knife (nothing beats a classic 8 inches), my mortar and pestle and my veggie peeler. (Serious! Do have any idea how hard it is to find the ultimate veggie peeler?)

What makes you really angry?
Blaming the indefensible, Child predators, Stupidity, making accusations falsely or without all the facts, Eddie McGuire, animal cruelty....I could go on.

If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Tenor Sax

What do you think of Daniel Cox?
Which one?

Do you believe in an afterlife?
Depends what you mean by an afterlife, I mean, John Edwards is the "Biggest Douchebag in the Universe", but I think there's more than just this here and now stuff, sure.

What's your favourite childrens' book?
Oooh, that's a toughie. First thing that comes to mind is Dr Seuss' "I had trouble getting to Solla Sollew"

What's your least-favourite chore?
Finding new places for the body parts

No, really, what do you think of Daniel Cox?
No, really, which one?

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
The ability to create life... Oh hang on, I can do that! hehe. No seriously, to be able to make time stand still.

Do you have a tattoo?
Yep

Can you juggle?
Yep

The one person from your past who you would go back and talk to?
*JD* and me (around age 8/9)

What's in your car boot right now?
Well, like Danny I have a hatchback, so no boot to speak of. But that's full of shit. Shoes, recycling bins, digital cable, tools, oil, dog toys, tennis racquets, poop bags (empty!), tow cable, chamois, books, chewed on water bottles, a hub cap, stuff I've probably been looking for for months and rotting fruit, by the recent smell.

Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
Sushi! Don't eat what I can't identify or red meat.

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
When she was a teenager, she turned to the Existentialists
- "Cave in the Snow" by Vicki MacKenzie

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
Ow...wall

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Bring it on - DVD
"I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot"

Without looking, guess what the time is:
7:45pm

Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
7:49pm - not bad

When did you last step outside? what were you doing?
2 and a half hours ago. Came home from shopping.

Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
This

What did you dream last night?
Meeting Jet Li at a Buddhist ordination

When did you last laugh?
Just then, realising how dopey that last answer sounds

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Well, my knuckle imprint now!

What's the weirdest thing you've seen recently?
The mullet on the women working at the Edwardstown Angus & Robertson Thursday night. WHY???

What is the last movie you saw (cinema/DVD/tv)?
See nine questions up

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A pressy for my mum. It's Mothers Day tomorrow!

Tell us something about you that we don't know:
I used to breed Cichlids

If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you change?
The inequity of power, justice and resources

Do you like to dance?
Ooh yeah

Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Scout

Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Not sure, probably something Old Testament - Isaac, Jacob, Zac, Nebuchadnezzar?

How do you think our product could be improved to better address our customers' needs?
More plain English, less aniseed and marzipan, recyclable packaging, government subsidation, a stainless steel version, no membership fees.

Can I go now?

When is a Blog not a Blog?

2004-05-05T18:46:00.000+09:30

I am going to have my little say.... Nothing over the top.... No maliciousness or lingering hate mixed in.... Just putting my gripe out there for all to know.

What is the purpose of a Blog?

I guess there are as many answers to that as there is Blogs in the world. But if we take an honest look at the ones we all regularly visit and feel we know with some sort of intimacy, the main response would have to be something resembling.... A safe place to air one's views, off-load one's burdens and express one's inner feelings, fears, frustrations and hopes. (I know, I wrecked a lovely alliteration at the end there!)

Maybe my view is entirely wrong. But fundamentally due to the nature of blogging, I can't be wrong because the purpose of a Blog is whatever the blogger chooses it to be. Right? Right.

SO! Having said this, I lightly peruse my previous entries and yes, the purpose of my Blog, or should I say, what I gain from blogging, is having an outlet for the stuff that sometimes gnaws away at my innards. I also get a strange satisfaction out of sharing it with others, knowing it's in the public domain. Because unlike a handwritten Journal, my Blog feels more "alive" or perhaps "dynamic and responsive". It continues working for me and gives in return even when I'm not contributing.

I'm sure my view on this can't be so alien or ridiculous. This is why I'm puzzled that a friend and fellow blogger would bump into a family member of mine and not monitor or perhaps show a little more prudence when discussing topics I have written about on this site. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive and secretive. I really don't know. What I do know is I felt a tiny flicker of hurt and disappointment when said family member contacted me almost immediately after.

It isn't really such a big deal. Perhaps it just stings to see my own naivety and it is naive of me to think plastering my thoughts and emotions on an internet site is a form of intimate disclosure.

Anyway, I'm over it now. It was an innocent action causing only minor chaos. I think it's time for boiled eggs.

My F#*@ed Up Family!!

2004-05-02T17:54:00.000+09:30

Let me start by saying I love my mother as much as life itself. Having never had a father per se, Mum *is* my family.

At times I regret not having a more resilient parent who would be strong enough to support me through emotional upheaval and pain in my life; someone I could go to and cry my heart when it gets broken; someone to lean on for support when I feel lost and helpless; someone I can tell my greatest fears to and hear a comforting word and wise advise.

But I don't have that kind of parent. I have a vulnerable, selfless, at times fragile woman, who leans on me a little more than I do on her. A woman who has just reached 60 and is about to make the same horrible mistake for the third time with another controlling, manipulative, selfish man. She can't see it... well, she can, but she is busy rationalising it at the moment. "He'll learn he can't have everything his way", "He'll be better after all this drama with business is over", "He isn't really that bad sweetheart, he's just needs to have things pointed out to him and then he changes his behaviour."

No Mum, no. He won't change. He won't get better. He's not going to learn. I can literally feel something tearing inside when I think about her. They got together (officially) about 6 months ago. (Editors note: I've known about them for approx. 5 years!) They bought a house together in January and since then I've watched a vibrant, youthful, fun woman who did her own thing and was learning to speak her mind become the sad, downtrodden, burdened, oversensitive "wife" I tried to support and encourage, most of my childhood.

Yesterday was my Grandmother's (Mum's mum) 80th birthday. We took her to Hahndorf for lunch at the German Arms. To put it simply, it was a disaster. Mum's partner (who we shall refer to as *R*) began arguing with me and contradicting my every word within 10 minutes of the car trip, the restaurant had run out of the ONLY food in the world Nanna can eat (this item of food changes daily. Very hard to keep track of and another story altogether), so I gently talked her into trying something else, which, had she not been told, probably wouldn't have picked as different anyway!

At this point, the cameras came out. For whatever reason, I'm feeling a little more edgy than usual about my appearance lately. Consequently, I asked not to have pictures taken of me. Apparently, a simple request and respecting my wishes is all too hard. Mum began trying to snap images when she thought I wasn't looking. I made my request again. A little firmer this time, but still not what I would call unpleasant. To this she finally complied, only because *R* decided to take up the challenge with his digital instead.

Like some sort of schoolkid challenge, he sat around casually angling the camera, thinking what?! I wouldn't work out that just coz he wasn't holding the fucking thing to his eye, he can't take the damn shot? I now became a bit forceful. I said pretty much what I wrote above. Isn't it enough that I don't want to be in a photo today? Why does it have to become a huge bloody issue with heated emotions before my request is taken seriously.

Of course now the atmosphere is somewhat sullen and awkward, broken only by the arrival of the meal. AAaaaahh... that will smooth things over and improve the mood. WRONG!

This is where I pass the baton of grief to Nanna, who swiftly takes up the challenge and begins complaining about everything on her plate. It is sad how many elderly people tend to revert back to child-like behaviour as they decline. She isn't senile and she hasn't really slowed down too much over the years, but over the last 20 years I have watched her become increasingly selfish, hurtful, opinionated (aggressively so), demanding, spiteful and manipulative.

It wasn't long before Nanna had dramatically shoved her plate away, having eaten maybe 5 or 6 mouthfuls of food declaring the vegetables were from a can and not even heated properly and the meat to be tough and tasteless. She refused to even finish the chips on the plate. Not sure as to the reason for that one, except of course, it looks far more dramatic if the guest of honour goes hungry.

Well, that was about all mum could take. Most people would ignore all the shit and continue having a good time, perhaps make light of the situation or promise to give it another go somewhere else next week-end etc. But no, my mother's response was to excuse herself from the table and rush Scarlet O'Hara style to the toilets to cry in a cubicle for most of the meal.

I could continue boring you (those silly enough to have persevered this far into my tale) with the rest of the afternoons adventures, but you get the idea. My mother is so fragile at the moment, even trying to smooth the waters and talk about what's going on with her, requires more caution and protective accessories than a Hazchem 4 level biological weapons spill.

By the time I'd dropped Nanna home and handled the aftermath with mum, I was completely unable to face the demand of fixing myself up and heading off to Dida's for the much anticipated housewarming party I had promised to attend. "Faster than a menopausal hotflush!", "Able to let down more people in one afternoon than an entire Crows Team!", "It's Danny Frawley!... It's Paul Rofe!... No! It's Sharn, dysfunctional daughter and disappointing friend!"

So, that was my Saturday. I hope you all fared better.

Why am I not asleep?

2004-05-01T00:18:00.000+09:30

You are 13% geek

OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

However, what it does fail to mention is the other 87% is pure PSYCHO.

Thanks again to Kent for another meaningless quiz offering hollow insights that pander to my needy, worth-seeking soul.

Sad things is, in 1988 that's pretty damn close to how my hair looked.

We'll meet again someday on the avenue

2004-04-29T23:18:00.000+09:30

I have nothing to say tonight. I should be in bed asleep. I have a National hook up conference call (I hate those things!) at 8am tomorrow morning. Now if you know anything about me, you will know that I don't open my eyes until around 10:30am, so this is going to be just tickety-f#%@ing-boo!

I liked the look of the quiz Kent did on his site, but I have a confession to make. I've never gotten into Bob Dylan. I don't even know enough of his music to say I don't like him. Just between you and me, I'm pretty sure he can't sing, but that's neither here nor there! Apparently his lyrics are pure genius. Anyway, even though I don't know his stuff, I like the sound of the song I am.

Which Bob Dylan song are you?

Tangled Up In Blue

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Time to go. But a quick joke as I depart -

Q. Why did God give guys cute butts?
A. Because he messed up the fronts.

Sorry guys! (Actually, I don't reckon the Big Fella did too bad with the fronts) ;)

EEeeeeeeeewwwww!!! One of my darling little boys just dropped the rankest fart! Mental note: stop feeding the little bastards!

Odds and Sods

2004-04-27T16:33:00.000+09:30

Page 23, sentence 5
"He was taking his whiskey neat, out of the bottle."
- The Day of the Triffids, John Wyndham

Here's what you do...
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

Thank you to Volition who thanked Tim Bray and Burningbird.

Additions to the blogroll

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why Volition wasn't already on the list - But considering the almost unnatural pleasure I gained from his bubblewrap link, it is my obligation to do so now!

The Rhubarb Purgative - Another one I seemed to over look. Having now witnessed his passion for topics such as Tony Jones' wardrobe, which can only be described as "cruel and unusual" and (contrary to a little too much protesting) his somewhat unhealthy obsession with Ron Weasley (I'm right there with you Nick!), I must add his name to my list in a sad attempt to be closer and more akin to this individual!

Not much else to discuss this afternoon. I have a migraine. It's shitting me to tears. Good day to you all.

A brief word from Golden Clotface

2004-04-26T18:19:00.000+09:30

Apparently the Universe feels I shall conquer it better with my new moniker. You too should discover your true name and unleash your full potential. Thanks and acknowledgement to Claire, from whom I knicked the idea.

What a lovely and active week end I've had. Very unlike me. Friday was the regular Bob Night. We got take away Chicky and Chips (oh, how the boys love Bob Night!) and hired "Love Actually". *dribble~drool~slurp* Colin Firth. The movie was pretty darn good too. Saturday was sleeping in and ginning around like an old mole day. Then that evening, after the latest encounter with my Videologist, I gatecrashed my dear friend and crazy cohort's place for hot chocolate and incessant babble about said Videologist.

Sunday I went tallboy hunting (The furniture variety). That left a lot to be desired, so feeling disheartened and frustrated, I treated myself to a big brekky and coffee while reading the paper at the local diner. Then it was off to a DVD sale, where I spent too much money. Albeit a lot less money than if it had not been a sale! Later that afternoon I met up with a friend for what we refer to as a "Nut Off!" This is a coming together of two equally dysfunctional and hypervigilant minds for the purpose of seeing who is the crazier on any given day.

I shall be lodging a protest for this particular round as she claimed an unfair advantage by sleeping through our meeting time and was awoken by my SMS asking if I had got my times confused. She then threw herself together and met me in a dazed and semi-conscious state 45 minutes late! How can I possibly compete with that?

Although she says we both deserve bonus points for casually leaving the cafe without paying. Dida, I've done it again! I would have gone to my grave ignorant of my wrongdoing if she hadn't pointed it out to me later that night. Not to worry. It's our local cafe. I'm sure the waiter has probably put it aside to accost us with on our next visit.

Today I cleaned the house some. Not a great deal but enough to prevent Dida and Co. from calling the EPA on me immediately after their visit. It was an absolutely spiffing afternoon. We took all four of the little boys down to Poo Park for a playdate. They had the time of their lives. So many odours to smell, trees to moisten and willies to lick. The dogs were busy too. (Did I really type that?)

We returned to my place and quickly discovered that it wasn't really designed for so many attention seeking in your face canines. Strangely enough, the coffee table was the unexpected winner of the "favourite piece of furniture to be inappropriately used" stakes. It's always great catching up with Dida and BB, even if we can't keep the conversation PC. Sorry Hun!

Well, I think it's time Little Miss Clotface here got her booty into gear and did some clothes washing and prepared the evening meal. The bed is looking very attractive too. It might be an early one tonight.

I've forgotten what it was in you...

2004-04-25T00:16:00.000+09:30

I just scoffed down 2 yummy, scrummy crumpets with vegemite and grilled cheese and I am now enjoying my scalding hot mug of Tea. As always, the appropriate time one would eat came and went unnoticed in my house. So the Witching Hour arrives and I think to myself, I'm a tad hungry. As far as emergency, on the spot fillers go, that wasn't too shabby.

I had my lovely shower as I said I would. Every inch of me is now squeaky clean, scrubbed, buffed up to a high shine and moisterised. I feel very fresh and non-crusty. And with this new found glow I did amble down to the old Vid Store and the D-man was working. For someone who is telling herself she doesn't think she likes him that much, I was rather pleased to see him there.

I hung around and waited until the place wasn't so busy and we had a really nice chat. Probably our first real conversation as two people, instead of a customer and the manager of the store trying to talk but staying within the boundaries of customer service issues. I mean, there's only so long you can discuss films you've seen, films that sucked, genres you like and amusing going to the cinema anecdotes before it starts getting weird.

Even though he hasn't quite got around to asking me out yet, (Yes I know Dida! I should give him the flick, he's taking too long!) I think we actually made a pact to take a roadtrip together to Perth and back on heavy mind altering drugs in a rented big American convertible. Is that too much for a first date? I did lay down the law and say I'll only go if the car has fins. There has to be fins!

My guess is, for the shorter term, that when I return the DVD I hired (Kill Bill Vol 1), he's going to ask me to go see Kill Bill Vol 2 with him. He was so close to saying it tonight.... I think. *sigh* Being single is so much easier. In fact, I've really enjoyed not having someone in my life. All my time is for me and the boys. I don't have to fit anyone else in, make sacrifices or considerations. The only thing I have noticed and this has happened more in the last few weeks/months, is the random moment I'd have liked to share.

I don't get lonely. I spend a lot of time alone and I love my own company. I need a certain amount of regular alone time or I begin to feel unsettled. But just a few occasions lately I've thought, as much as I'm enjoying this or I'm content going though this alone, it would add a richness or perhaps an intimacy that I haven't had in a while. Strangely enough, I'm not even missing the sex. Those issues can be managed sufficiently (enough said). But being held, the gentle touch of a hand through my hair or on my face, lying in bed and feeling the warmth and the skin of another body, that's the stuff I'd like to have again.

I wonder if I'm starting to yearn for those things because somebody has caught my attention or has he caught my attention simply because I'm yearning for those things? I don't want to get involved with anyone just to fill some emotional void I'm developing.

Maybe I should take a lesson from my boys. As I write this, Tiger has dragged his Moo Cow into the room and swiftly gone about giving her a good, hard shagging. Meanwhile, Jackson alternates from sitting at my side shaking his little body staring up with his huge, brown eyes, pleading for attention to shaking his little body while clawing me with his front paws in some vain attempt to get picked up and cuddled.

They don't sit and think about the consequences of what they're about to do. Tiger doesn't give a shit what I think about him humping his teddy's. Jack has never worried if his pathetic, needy behaviour actually makes him look pathetic and needy. He wants a cuddle and that's what he's going to ask for.... Good point, Boys! If it feels right, I'll just go with it.

And what feels right at this very moment is bed!

Wish me luck as you wave me good-bye

2004-04-24T19:20:00.000+09:30

My mind is a blank. I've been knocked back and stood up by more than one friend this evening, so it looks like it's just me, a DVD and the furry boys tonight. If I got any wilder, Paris and Nicole'd be wanting an invitation!

I think I might slip into a hot shower for about 45 minutes with some yummy smelling gel, my body sponge and a bit of jazz in the background. Then I'll slip on my slinky, alluring tracky pants, the warmest pair of socks I've got and mosey on over to my local man at the Video store. I'll be dazzling him tonight with my seductress beauty and womanly wiles, don't you worry! I might even floss!!

Have a wonderful evening all my nearest and dearests! Let the pampering begin...

Well, spank my arse and call me Charlie...

2004-04-24T17:53:00.000+09:30

If you're a voyeur, have a chicken fetish (is the term a fowlophile?), get off on feathers or are just a weirdo who likes feeling dominant check out the Subservient Chicken.

This would be one of the more responsive and compliant birds I have met. I'm deeply disappointed in his abilities to perform yoga or lay an egg, but he's willing to give anything a go.

They Shoot horses, don't they?

2004-04-23T12:20:00.000+09:30

The brain and the human mind is an amazing thing. How we protect ourselves through sub-conscious defence mechanisms is wonderful.

I won't go into specifics, but I had a pretty average childhood. I feel wrong to dwell on it because every day I deal with children and parents who experience a thousand times more trauma then I ever lived through. But nevertheless, when adults say "Aaahh to be young and carefree again. That beautiful time of childhood when we were happy and innocent.... etc, etc" I stop in my tracks.

I think I would rather stab myself in the eye than ever relive my years before eighteen. I occasionally ponder why I hated my childhood and put it down to my father being a pig, my mother being on the brink of a nervous breakdown for most of my teen years, how much I hated school.... I could go on. But approximately 6 weeks ago I suddenly retold a particular event to my counselor. I was somewhere between 8 and 10 years old at the time (I can't be sure, I don't remember much from 6 to 13). He quizzed me for a while, I went into a bit more detail than I ever have before and the next thing I knew I was in tears.

It took about 24 hours for me to properly digest what we'd discussed. But when I did, it left me speechless. I have counseled people myself that have gone through close to exactly the same sort of thing as me and said to myself "how sad, that poor child and labeled them a *specific term* victim/survivor etc" But never had I considered myself to have been one. I'm not sure what I thought my experience was. I recall certain incidences clearly. It's not like I deny particular events, I just never thought of them in the same way I did other people's.

Suddenly, over these last few weeks, everything in my life has changed meaning. Stupid behaviour I have that I've never been able to explain or understand; Feelings of dread, anger or anxiousness I feel; they all make sense now. I didn't hate school because it was so awful, I hated that time in my life because of other things going on and coping/surviving meant school wasn't a priority.

If my mobile rings and it's a private number or a number I don't know, I won't answer it. I can't answer it. The fear that wells up inside me is overwhelming. At times even holding the phone while it's ringing like that is too much. But I know why now, and all of a sudden it doesn't scare me so much. Although I have something ugly to face and work though, there is a new sense of calm that's settling over me. This is such foreign terrain for me. I've been so used to living my life the way I have for the last 20 years that I failed to realise there may be another way of doing it. A nicer, less stressful way.

Albeit a little scary, the future seems quite exciting to me now. Perhaps I'll be able to finish the things I start. I might be able to return to Uni and not become suicidal if my first assessment isn't a distinction. I might even be able to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone and know it's the first real chance any sexual relationship has ever had in my life.

All my adult life, my worst dreams have been me back at my school. I'm my real age but everyone else is the age they were then. Here I am, a grown up and I still can't get my assignments in on time. I still feel foolish and insignificant. Often I realise all my final exams are due and I've prepared nothing. Since the big revelation appointment with my counselor, I haven't had one of those dreams nor have I had the pet ones I've spoken about before.

The last 4 weeks have been real nightmares. Reliving variations of what really occurred. Waking up screaming and terrified that someone is in my room. I know this sounds worse, but it isn't. For the first time ever, my mind is accepting what happened and I'm finally beginning to work though it. I've spent 20 years avoiding this issue and I'm now allowing myself to deal with it. It's amazing how we can spend so long running away from something and never stop to ask what it is we're running from. And now that I've stopped and turned around, I find I'm not that scared of it.

I've stopped running and it feels good.

I love a good Questionnaire!

2004-04-18T14:11:00.000+09:30

Sorry, it's an illness, I can't help myself! Thank you to Cat for pinching the idea from MiFFi first! :)

What is your favourite Web Site?
Geez, I don't know them all yet.

What is the one CD you would take on a Desert Island with you?
Well that's a bit silly coz I won't have a CD player, will I!?

What was the worst job you ever had?
Cold canvas telesales for a Real Estate Agent.

If you could be anyone else, who would it be and why?
I've never wanted to be anyone else. How about me with Oprah Winfrey's bank balance?

What was the strangest or most embarrassing story you've heard or that happened to you?
Everytime I go out on the town with my younger sister (Bob) it's pretty strange. I don't really get embarrassed all that much. I guess the time Bob burst out laughing unexpectedly when we were at lunch and she sprayed chewed up cauliflower and cheese sauce all over my face and hair was pretty weird!

Tell us the weirdest dream you ever had?
Every single one of them. That's why I love them. This sensational mystery man that keeps appearing of late is quite intriguing

What is the strangest name of someone you know?
Hmmm... too many to choose from. I know a man called Holly Wood. A woman called Cherry Ripe (she's a food critic!). I'm not making these up! And I have a friend called Wojtek (pronounced Voytek) but we call him Woj.

Tell us the most outrageous thing you ever did for money?
Ride a horse down West Terrace in a nude body stocking and a long wig. It was some promotional gig and I was supposed to look like Lady Godiva.

What is the most embarrassing CD/Record/8 Track in your collection?
Again, which one do I choose? I have the Kama Sutra on Album. I also have Popcorn, Hot Buttered! Oh and a friend bought me a Bardot single once because she thought it would be funny.

What is the best/worst nickname of someone you know?
Horse. When he was born his parents couldn't decide on a name for him and America "Horse with no name" had just been released. But he doesn't tell many people that, he just lets them think the obvious.

What is the most bizarre thing you've ever seen?
Celine Dion.

What is the stupidest thing you ever bought that seemed like a good idea at the time?
My beautiful, enormous Stainless Steel fridge that's too big for the fridge alcove in my kitchen. D'oh!

What is the best/worst pick-up line you've heard or used?
"Hey are you girls twins? I've got a pair of twins. You wanna see them. They're down my pants!" Sadly a true story.

What is the weirdest food you've eaten?
Nothing seems particularly weird to me. I'll try anything once. Although I went to a Mexican restaurant with a friend once (It was Horse actually) and he had Chicken Breast in Dark Chocolate sauce.

Tell us about the worst roommate/guest you've ever had?
I shared with a complete Headcase a few years ago. She's a paramedic with Bi-polar and anger management issues. She's almost 6ft tall and is also an alcoholic. I left as soon as I found out she was kicking and beating my boys when I wasn't home. Apparently, she'd also punched a previous housemate in the face during an argument.

What is your best/worst animal or pet story?
My beautiful little boy Tiger suffered severe blunt force trauma to his left eye 18mths ago. After 2 weeks and $1000 in treatment we couldn't save the eye. But he's such a little battler, within a week of the surgery to remove the damaged globe, he was running and jumping around like a puppy. He adjusted immediately to only one eye and often uses it to his advantage. Eg If I'm telling him off and he wants to ignore me he just turns around and gives me his blind side. (Dog speak for "Talk to the Hand Baby!")

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done?
Buying that fridge has gotta be right up there. And maybe the Alfa.

What is the most memorable bumper sticker you can think of?
The last one that amused me was "Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a Wanker!"

What is the worst surprise you ever found in your food?
A dirty, used bandaid. However, most of my nanna's recent "creations" could also make the list.

What is the most misunderstood song lyric in your opinion?
The entire Ben Folds Five song "Brick" perhaps. But a friend sings along to Blur Song No. 5 as follows... "And she peeled a potato, WOO HOO, and it taste like tomato, WOO HOO"

What is the strangest phone call you've ever received?
At work one day, this guy rang and said he was an old acquaintance and he was in town and wondered if I wanted to catch up and have sex. To this day I have no idea who it was, but he swore I told him once that I had no reservations about screwing around behind a partners back.

What is strangest hallucination you've ever had?
This UFO I was sure I'd seen out my bedroom window when I was about 12. It had landed across the hill from our house.

What is the one movie you've watched most times?
Probably a toss up between Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Lord of the Rings, Speed, Matrix, Breakfast at Tiffany's. Yes, I am aware of how sad I am.

What is your favourite line from a movie?
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto."
"The greatest trick of all the Devil pulled off was convincing people he didn't exist." or something to that effect.
"On any other day, that would seem strange."
...and the list goes on.

What is your favourite Freudian slip, word mix-up or dyslexic mess?
We have some traditional family slips like Tobey Stole, Par Cark and Herry Towell (a friend - real name Terry Howell)

What is the best insult or 'would be insult' you've heard or used?
A girl I used to know would tell guys, if you were the last man on Earth I'd masturbate.

What's the longest you've ever been single since you started dating?
2 years. But I'm heading towards a new PB at the moment!

Fave fashion statement?
Nothing beats a great decolletage!

Have you ever been in a band?
Yep. A few.

Your first car?
1971 Triumph T2000 - My own personal Sherman Tank.

What book are you reading at the moment?
Just finished "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" Hunter S Thompson (for the third time)

Last movie you saw at the cinema?
Pirates of the Caribbean, I think. I've gotta get out more.

When was the last time you saw a play?
During the Fringe.

What song is playing at the moment?
Closer - John Mayer

Have you left school?
God yes.

What are your all-time favourite Simpsons quotes?
"There, there. Shut up, Boy." - Homer
"Forwards, not backwards. Upwards, not downwards. And always twirling, twirling, twirling!" - Alien Presidential Campaign speech.

What events have made you realise who your real friends are?
During the darker times of my mental illness when I shut down and push everyone away. The ones that are still there waiting patiently for me to come back again are the people who truly care.

Wow, that was longer than I thought! If anyone is still ready, I thank you for your perseverance.

I'm carrying David Beckham's Lovechild

2004-04-17T22:52:00.000+09:30

And we have decided to name the baby in a way that will forever remind us of the union we shared and the opinion of the masses. He/she will be know as ....

WHO-THE-HELL-GIVES-A-FAT-FLYING-CRAP-WHERE-YOUR-DICK'S-BEEN Beckham. Catchy?

But seriously folks, what I really wanted to say was, I won't be making it to the Monday Meet. :( I am sorry. As much as I would love to meet all of you for the first time, I'm just not ready to do the whole "human contact" thing as yet. I'm sure Danny and Dida can confirm, when I find myself in social situations I handle them with all the ease and charm of someone whose neural network fires at all the right times and in all the right directions. However, the truth is, I just don't do people.

Perhaps in a month or so I will be better equipped mentally to consider public outings and the traumatic concept of new people creating first impressions of me. But for now, I send my apologies and wish you all a wonderful evening. Have a drink for me!

To whom it may concern

2004-04-17T22:16:00.000+09:30

I was overwhelmed with a sense of altruism on Thursday morning and booked an appointment with the Red Cross to donate blood. I used to be a regular donor until the late '90's, I'm not sure why I stopped. So off I trekked after work, enjoying the sights Pirie Street offers, with my coveted blood pumping through my veins and a sense of universal love pumping through my heart.

Yeah Right!!

One and half hours later, with pretty much all of my blood still in me, bandaging on both arms, the promise of ugly greenish/purple bruising looming and pain coursing up my arms I trekked back to my bus and went home. Tired, grumpy, disappointed and sore!! Basically everyone in the centre had a go at trying to find a vein and when one special little camper did, he dug the needle in and fossicked around like Jamie Oliver with a mortar and pestle. Apparently everytime he managed to find the vein and shove the needle in, the vein would collapse. Super.

Having said that, all the staff were very sweet, hugely apologetic and a little concerned. The last guy to have a go at me looked EXACTLY like Jean Reno. However, no one had ever told him that before. Curious. I suspect it was Jean Reno researching his next role and he feared I might blow his cover.

I'll try again in a month. If I fail again, I might suggest they chop off a finger and hold my hand over a bucket instead.

I finally got to meet Dida's children this week! They are absolutely, 100%, deliciously, adorable. Her boys remind me of mine in so many ways. I'd love to get the four of them together one day and watch the chaos unfold. Lately, Jackson has taken to pooping in the upstairs bathroom. He only does it at night when I'm asleep and I'm guessing, only because the spoilt, little, stinker can't be bothered going all the way downstairs and outside in the cold. So now I shut the bathroom door before going to bed. That'll fix his little, red wagon!

True Love and the Granny with the loose onions

2004-04-14T14:27:00.000+09:30

I had the most intense dream this morning. In the last year to year and a half, I have had a similar dream to this twice before. Similar as in the emotions felt, not the situation or storyline.

Their isn't much to tell except that all of these dreams have had the same guy in them. I could describe most things about him physically, except for his facial features. I can clearly see his body, hair, build, even the shape of his head, but when I try and recall his face, I just get this mist or tiny glimpses of corners like peripheral vision only.

What makes the most impact is the feelings I get. The dreams are always totally different but the common theme is, we are always meeting for the first time. The moment we meet the overwhelming sense of belonging strikes me. It almost hurts how physically and (but more importantly) emotionally attracted I am to him, and without reason, I know he feels exactly the same way. These dream never turn sexual, if anything the most that occurs is the occasional touch of his hand and the rare (but very nice) snog.

I hate waking from these dreams. It feels like I'm losing him when I do. Strangely today's dream ended with some kind of major tragedy. I think it was a car accident and although his body wasn't in the car by the time I got there, it was rumoured he had been one of the victims.

Does the Army still administer Bromide? Perhaps I'm going through early menopause. Whatever the cause, it is well and truly playing with my head!

Happy Living through Denial: And how I've mastered it

2004-04-13T17:16:00.000+09:30

OK I'm confused. I'm currently doing something and I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by doing it.

My local video store manager, to whom I have previously referred, is a little on the shy side when it comes to taking the big step from mildly flirtatious chatting to actually asking me out. We have already established this. We have also concluded that here in the 21st Century it is not unacceptable for the woman to take the initiative. SO.... here's were it gets a bit fuzzy....

We had a long chat about a particular movie to which I said "Have you read the book it was based on?" to which he said "No". I'm such a good narrator!! Anyway, I offered to lend it to him because it was a cathartic experience for me and thought he should have the same thrill. He seemed overjoyed, so last night I dropped it off at the store for him. As he wasn't there at the time I wrote a note and left it in the book. "Hope you love it as much as I did, blah blah blah, call me when you're done."

We have already established, in that not-so-subtle-just-in-passing commentary, that we are both single. And as pathetic as this sounds, after seeing him on Saturday night I already started missing him by Sunday and had to make a conscious effort not to go back to the store for the rest of the long weekend.

BUT!!! I honestly can't say if I'm physically attracted to him. More to the point, I don't think I am. But I've always liked his company and I know I'll say yes if he asks me out. Now this is the moment where I begin to freak. I've considered the obvious... We do go out, things are going well, he does the expected thing and makes some sort of move and this is where I lose my shit. I start feeling uncomfortable just thinking about it. My stomach is turning in knots just writing this! I really thought I would have mastered this kind of crap by my mid 30's. Apparently not.

So what the hell is going on in my little peabrain?! Somebody tell me what this all means.

He was just a know-it-all Jewish lad!!

2004-04-11T19:34:00.000+09:30

C'mon people, where the hell are you all? Am I the only poor bastard around that didn't have plans for the long week-end? So you all went off on roadtrips or had friends and family come visit or went visiting them. I hope you had a friggin' ball prancing around the state feeling special! Not giving a single thought to those of us left here to mind the fort. Spending hours and hours talking mindlessly to ourselves! Ever think that just coz you have a life doesn't give you the right to neglect your blogging duties and leave me with sweet FA to read when I can't be naffed doing anything more constructive with my time?!?! Hmmm? No, you didn't. And you know why? Because you're selfish. Each and every one of you! Go off and have fun. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Really! I'm good. I'll just sit here and wait for you all to get back. Because the only thing better than being left here all by myself with bubkis to do, will be hearing all your wonderful, happy, shiny, sparkly stories of how much fun you had and what you got up to and how happy you are and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....

I think I need to cut back on the Pepsi Max and Hunter S Thompson books.

A bit of fresh air, a mug of black Tea and a few stretches later.....

I think I might have started on the wrong foot today. Let me try again. The strangest thing happened to me yesterday afternoon. As you may or may not know, I have an Alfa Romeo. It's close to complete restoration and is in beautiful condition. Except for the minor fact that some snivelling, pimply, greased up, little scumsucker stole both the badges off it about 4 months ago. Now these badges are hard to come by and if you order them new from a specialist, they have to be imported and cost more than a couple of lima beans and a jar of marmalade.

So needless to say, the car has sat badgeless in my drive for about 6 weeks waiting for a final service then into the classifieds she will go. Now I'm lying on my sofa last night, having a big, cold drink, reading a book with the TV on mute viewing my Bomber boys finally winning a game (Thank the Heavens!) when there's a knock on my screen door.

I'm not the most spontaneous (or welcoming) woman in the world when it comes to unexpected and uninvited guests, so I greet this stranger with a moderate amount of suspicion and hesitancy when I turn on the verandah light. It turns out, her son lives across from me and she has noticed the Alfa on a few occasions when visiting. She and her husband were very impressed with the condition of the car but noticed the badges missing. So given I was home last night, she thought she'd drop by and give me a couple of badges she had lying around at home from all the spares and wrecks they had collected over time, being Alfa enthusiasts themselves.

Well, fuck me. You could've knocked me over with a fleas fart. Who are these strange Good Samaritan types? What do they want from me? Why are they roaming the streets looking for wrongs to be righted and good deeds to be done? Perhaps they're Jehovah's Witnesses thinking they can lull me into a false sense of security before stealthily recruiting me into their little sect! Yeah, well you can't fool me. I won't be sucked in by your selfless acts and kindness. I know who my true friends are! And they all treat me like shit! So there!!

I think I need to lie down.

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?!

2004-04-11T00:54:00.000+09:30

I'm sorry, but what the hell does that mean? It always seemed fart related to me. Or maybe it's just my infantile thought processes always searching for even the vaguest potty humour reference.

Having said that, The Rock can haul his Candy Ass over here and plant the "people's elbow" on me any day!! Mr Dwayne Johnson sir, if you happen to be reading this, email me and I'll gladly pass on my address and phone number.

*ring ring* *ring ring*
Tuesday: Hello..?
Phone Caller: Hi, Tuesday? It's Reality calling...
Tuesday: (slightly hesitant) ..oh, hi. How's things?
Phone Caller: yeah, good. Look, just wanted to catch up with you. See how you were...
Tuesday: Ah.. OK. Yep, I'm fine thanks.
Phone Caller: ...and tell you to GET THE HELL BACK HERE!!
Tuesday: (holding receiver away from ear) Yes. Yes, you're right. I'm on my way. Right now. Didn't mean to wander so far. Complete accident. So I'll see you soon then?
(Disconnect signal already heard from handset.)
Tuesday: I'll... umm.. hang up then shall I?
*click*

For those of you who were wondering, or gave a shit in the least, the lump I discovered was a sebaceous cyst. Apparently, there is little that needs to be done. If it grows in size over time I should return for further tests. Otherwise, give it a name and get used to it. The cutting it out option is unnecessary as the little suckers tend to bleed a lot which usually means an overnight stay in the Hoppy Doodle. As this alternative appeals to neither my wallet or rec leave entitlement, I think we'll give it the Big A!

So let us commence the "Name Tuesdays' Cyst" competition. The winner shall reap no reward, gain no fame and probably receive very little thanks. All entries must include a 25 words or less explanation as to the name submitted and the judging panels decision will be final. No further discussion will be entered into unless money and/or sex is involved. License number T8405AA9. SA entries only.

My mum turned 60 on Thursday! She looks maybe late 40's. A small group of us took her to Jolley's Boathouse for lunch on Saturday. Started at noon and began winding up at 5pm when the staff began hovering and mumbling disapprovingly. So for any of you out there with a grand occasion coming up and a spare home loan lying around, I recommend Jolley's.

After 5 hours of day time rich food and wine consumption I was pretty knackered. So my plan was get home, get daggy and visit the local Video store. Grab a mindless 2 hours of staring at the idiot box entertainment and curl up with the fuzzy boys for a bit of potato couch action!!

Of course, tonight turns out to be the night my adorable video store Manager finally musters the courage to mosey on over and make small talk. This does, however, currently exceed any synaptic response ability I can muster. I think the interaction went well enough. We spent about 45 minutes discussing "I have no idea what", while his defenseless countergirl was left to single-handedly manage peak hour Saturday night customer traffic and ended with me promising to lend him a book of mine in the next few days.

His courage fell short of asking me out though. Is it OK for the woman to do the asking nowadays? Do men find that too aggressive or pushy? I've never made the first move. I mean, what if I've completely misread the signals, I ask him out and he isn't interested? I couldn't face that kind of shame. In one foul sweep I would lose my pride, my dignity, my favourite video store and one of the most knowledgeable film reviewers I've ever found. I mean, obviously I could never return to that store!

I think matters this important need due consideration. I'm going to sleep on it.

When in Adelaide, Tuesday chooses to stay at her house...

2004-04-10T22:16:00.000+09:30

Well, Kiddies what a week! I think a few of us can say that.

I returned to work. Not the most thrilling occurrence in my life, but it could have been a lot worse. To be honest, it was actually quite enjoyable. (Just don't let management know - I don't think enjoying one's job is in line with our current agreement or memorandum of understanding.)

I bought a new bike!! Yay me. I'm really a bit excited about this. I took advantage of the 20% sales and treated myself to a brand, spanking, new Avanti Hybrid. Very sexy. I wanted the charcoal grey frame but they only had the red/silver ones left. I guess red does go faster, so I shouldn't complain. However, I'm not looking forward to the next week or two of soreness in the nether regions. An unavoidable burden of getting reacquainted with long rides.

I've had a head cold this week. If I ever find out which evil bastard gave me this germ I shall do unspeakable acts to their personage!! And I don't mean the kind of acts written about in "Playboy - letters to the editor". Maintaining an upright position and holding one thought for more than 75 seconds has been a significant challenge of late. It's hard to know whether this is due to the cold itself, the large quantities of over the counter pharmaceuticals I'm ingesting or the ever diminishing capacity of my grey matter in general. Well supported theories/arguments on the matter are welcome.

I continue to struggle with my new gained knowledge re: *JD* (the one I let go). I'm going to tell you a dirty, little secret under the proviso you PROMISE you won't tell another living soul.... This is really humiliating.... OK here it goes.... I called his direct line at work the other day. He answered. I hung up.

Oh God, what have I become?!!? I'm so puerile. How could I lower myself to such a humiliating and pathetic act? I just had to hear his voice again. But I'm not ready to face whatever reconnecting with him would dish out. He still has the warmest, caramel smooth voice I've ever heard though! *cheeky grin*

Isn't it strange how a person's mere existence can bring you to your knees and create absolute emotional chaos in your life, meanwhile they're oblivious of the slightest impact they've had on you? It's a sort of Psychological Mr Magoo encounter. My entire world is turned upside down and he isn't even aware are paths have crossed. Or maybe he is sensing something. Perhaps he's having those weird "I'm being watched" sensations or unexplainable dreams with me popping in at obscure moments, after not having thought of me for years on end.

I might write to Dr Harry and see what he thinks!

Out, Out Damn Spot!!

2004-04-04T16:41:00.000+09:30

Just a quick mention, before it slips my mind...

I was in the shower this morning and while washing under my arm I found a hard growth (about M&M size) in my armpit. Charming topic, sorry. Both under arms have been tender lately, so this is not altogether a strange discovery, albeit a mildly worrying one.

I had a bit of a prod, so needless to say it's really sore now! Funny that. I'll make an appointment to see the Doc tomorrow after work and report back to you all after. These entries may be worth a mint if they become my last memoirs!! I better write a will and last testament and bequeath the rights to my blogs to someone. Don't all fight for the honour though, guys. I couldn't stand the attention. :)

OK, well that's all I had to say. Yours Lumpily...

I'm not in love... So don't forget it.

2004-04-04T14:42:00.000+09:30

The lyrics to that song are so me. I love the wispy, dreamy vibe of it.

Here I sit, waiting for Dida to arrive for coffee. Copying my sister's CD's and bouncing my legs from the balls of feet like some speed freak. I think I should tell you my sister's name so I no longer have to refer to her as "my sister".

Her name is Bob. Actually that isn't her name at all, but that is what I call her. The immediate reference is to Kevin Smith's character Silent Bob (Mall Rats, Clerks, Dogma, Chasing Amy etc). Bob (my sister, not Kevin) has a trench coat just like Silent Bobs (the character, not my sister) which she used to insist on wearing with a Beanie she bought in Victor Harbor one winter. She has long straight hair of a similar colour and length to Silent Bobs. From behind, while wearing this charming ensemble, she looks very much like Silent Bob. Hence the name.

Now where the hell was I? Ah yes, coffee with Dida. We have been, we have drunk and we have returned. Dida has now gone home. A lovely, spontaneous encounter. I am still jiggling my legs however. Perhaps returning to Tai Chi and Yoga will get rid of this nervous energy. I'm probably not ready for Yoga yet. My shoulders aren't quite up to the strain. I have enrolled with one of the Belly dancing schools though. That should be a great laugh if nothing else.

There just isn't enough days in the week, Goddammit! Why do I always feel like I'm spreading myself too thin? How does everyone else do it?

I think I'm going to have to cut today's entry short. It's my ex-stepmothers birthday and I have to get ready to meet her for dinner. Does anyone want to pop over to my place and walk the boys for me? It would be a great help. Ciao for now. *waves*

Todays Agenda

2004-04-02T14:27:00.000+09:30

I haven't done much of late. I haven't even thought much of late! I think I'm too busy being concerned with other people's challenges to think of my own at the moment. That's probably not a bad thing.

What I do want to say is... anyone looking to buy CD's should contact me because I'm about to send off my latest order to Amazon CD NOW and shipping from the US seems wasteful unless I'm bringing in a good quantity.

Did anyone see the April Fools Joke in the Advertiser yesterday? Kraft placed an Ad for their new Cherry flavoured Vegemite with a small line saying see page 27 for further details. Page 27 was a banner saying April Fools! I wonder what the cost of those ads were? How many children in the Sudan could have been provided an education for the same price? Oh well.

Today is my last day of holidays. Monday it's back to the grind. I'm not sure if I'm disappointed. I'm not suicidal about it, so that's a plus.

Q. If a mime falls over in the forest, and nobody hears or sees him fall... Doesn't anyone give a shit?

I've added my 100 things about me to the sidebar. I will slowly begin adding things like my beloved books, music, hobbies and boys soon.

I don't have a lot to say today! (...and the crowds were happy!) I think I'll take the boys for a run. *HUGS* to you all.

Rene and Georgette Margritte with their dog apres la guerre...

2004-03-31T15:51:00.000+09:30

If you don't know the line and the song, shame on you. It's the feeling I want to capture with someone... one day. Like so many of you out there, music is a significant part of my life and well being. Certain artists and particular songs touch my very soul. It still amazes me that a song I may have heard a thousand times will raise goosebumps on my skin and cause tears to well in my eyes. The lyrics and harmonies become part of who I am. To a degree, how I identify myself as a person.

I would like to thank everyone who has begun commenting on my posts. Some of your remarks have been so intimate and heartfelt that I know you've read my entry and really "got it". I'm so moved by your involvement.

today's going to read a bit choppy. Lots of little things have happened over the last two days, but nothing I'd see as cathartic. I guess the biggest event would be my self-imposed intervention with Barkbusters!!

I'll be honest. I went into this with a skeptical mind. You think about it... A 3yr old dog with deeply entrenched behaviour that closely mimics that of the dark angel Lucifer is going to be transformed into a controllable, obedient, praise seeking pet in two hours with the assistance of a complete stranger? What kind of odds would you give it?

Well, guess what? IT WORKED!!

Barkbusters is astounding and the consultant I had was an absolute legend. He wasn't hard to look at either. The change in both my boys is so significant that I'm harbouring concerns they may be little too submissive for my liking. Sam (the trainer) did warn me they may react like this at first. I guess having the control and power ripped away from you so suddenly must be disorientating.

Tiger not only obeys my every command, he's become far more affectionate. It's literally like invasion of the body snatchers. And no violence, pain, punishment or negative reinforcement is inflicted. I recommend them highly and only wished I'd done it sooner.

I have been introduced to the world of Chai. Thank you Dida, it was truly an experience. I'm not sure whether to buy the syrup or the leaves. I think I need to sample more options before my take home purchase, but either way I am definitely a new recruit.

Only 2 more days before I go back to work. I don't mind the idea of going back, but 2 weeks holidays isn't enough of a break. I'm only just getting into the swing of doing nothing and loving it! And there's so much nothing one can do!!

In fact, I might go off and do some more nothing right now.

Broken Hearted

2004-03-29T14:23:00.000+09:30

Has everyone experienced that one true love? As we grow up we're bombarded with the concept of a soul-mate; that one person you meet and the moment your eyes make contact, the heavens open and the ethereal harmonies of the angels and harps play... blah, blah, blah. You know what I'm talking about. The Sleepless in Seattle theory. We all want to buy into it at one time or another, and some of us are more romantic than others and need to believe it really does happen.

As a child/teenager, I never bought into it. I wasn't all that interested in having a boyfriend and frankly, the prospect of marriage, for better or worse, to death do us part, simply terrified me.

And then I met *him*. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you all, but my mum and Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks were right! It does bloody well happen like that. And it hurts like shit even when it's good because the feeling is so overwhelming and all-consuming. And... If, for whatever reason, the Universe screwed up the booking and brought the two of you together at the wrong time or place, the ending is enough to literally break your heart in two.

Why am I telling you this now? Because approx. 15yrs ago it happened to me and over the last decade and a half I had totally fooled myself into believing I had moved on and worked through all the emotions attached. Then last night while innocently scanning through obscure sites I came across a newsletter and guess who was the internationally recognised visiting expert and guest speaker featured on the front page? Big, bloody photo and all.

I had come to terms with the idea that he was living thousands upon thousands of miles away in a foreign country, probably very contented and settled with some gorgeous environmental activist wife, 2.3 repulsively, cute kids and a big, dumb dog. But the truth is, he's been back in Australia for at least 2 years and living in the very next state!!

I'm not sure if I can explain how I felt at the moment of discovery, but I'll give it a shot. All at once, I felt an aching hollow inside me while simultaneously feeling a sort of anxious nausea. I think I might have been shaking; It certainly felt like I was. But I think the strongest sensation was the loss of control. The pain and loss I experienced when we went our separate ways all those years ago was so devastating that I never again allowed myself to feel that strongly for anyone. It wasn't a conscious decision, it's just a coping mechanism that snuck into place. It took me years to even realise what I was doing.

So all my relationships since JD (that will do as a title), have been easy to walk away from. I've always been the one dictating the rules, saying when it's over and (here's the key) holding all the power. Power = control. Control = emotional safety.

The mere thought that he's only hundreds of kilometres away from me, in the same timezone, on the same continent and that there is a chance we may meet again one day, brought flooding back all the pain and insecurities of that day in 1988 when I watched a British Airways Boeing carry away the only someone I truly believed made me the person I wanted to be.

I think I need to go for a run.

Damn them to Hell

2004-03-29T13:59:00.000+09:30

I'm a Commonwealth employee and it's times like this I hate the sense of duty and obligation I have to my job. I just rang "People Support" to see if I could wangle an extra week of holidays, so I wouldn't have to return until 13.04.04. instead of 05.04.04. Alas, during my absence some Bigwig in Canberra decided I'd be the perfect candidate to trial this new state-of-the-art program for the next 3 months. Training commences on the 5th. I guess the painting and landscaping will have to wait!

Before I forget, let's all rejoice in the axing of "The Resort". Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY! That feels good, doesn't it? I have to admit, it lasted longer than I thought. But nonetheless, I am ecstatic to see it's demise. Is finding pleasure in other people's failure a bad thing? I guess it is, EXCEPT in regards to reality TV!! One more time for good measure... Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY!

The next item on my agenda; Email. I have a new address!! I've always had my work email, but given the sensitive and paranoid nature of my "employer", only a select few have that one. But now I have a new personal address and all are welcome to use and abuse it. ~ frontal-lobe@australia.edu ~

Hey, does anyone want a white 1989 Alfa Romeo Sprint? It was the last year they manufactured the model. It's 5 speed, white with a the smallest green trim along the bumper. Fully reupholstered, excellent stereo and amp, wooden racing steering wheel, excellent condition and always garaged. $4000 ono. It's a very sexy piece of machinary. I don't want to sell her but it doesn't have power steering and my shoulders can't take the strain anymore. (I had a car accident 2yrs ago - in a different car - and my neck and shoulders are still being worked on.)

Dial M for Murder

2004-03-28T17:46:00.001+09:30

I have only one thing to say....

PORT ADELAIDE: 2.6, 7.13, 15.16, 23.20 (158)
ESSENDON: 1.5, 2.6, 6.12, 8.14 (62)

Actually I have one other thing to say....

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

Sorry if I have offended anyone. It's bad enough when my darling black and red angels are defeated, but when they're HUMILIATED. Oh the pain! And by those Feral Portside Monkey Wankers!!! I don't think I can go on!

I need to cheer up. It's only Round One. C'mon everyone, join me.

See the Bombers fly up, up!
To win the premiership flag.
Our boys who play this grand old game,
Are always striving for glory and fame!
See the Bombers fly up, up,
The other teams they don't fear,
They all try their best,
But they can't get near,
As the Bombers fly up!

Hmmm.... I feel marginally better. Actually, I don't feel better at all. I think a good friend of mine is trying to kill me. Hence today's title. We decided our level of fitness left a lot to be desired, so regular Life Be In It! style get togethers were in order. Well, if I knew her definition of exercise was to test the human outer limits of pain and suffering, I possibly would have declined.

I think I'm learning to hate Sunday mornings. If it wasn't for the large number of rather strapping, young men in very little clothing, I doubt I'd bother turning up. Having said that, this mornings session was pretty lame. Neither of us felt like running (so, no sprints - YAY) and the stairs looked way too hard (so no embulism inducing climbs - YAY again), so we went for a quick dip instead. We go to the beach, if you're wondering what the hell I'm referring to.

I don't look like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 yet. What's going on there?!

Tiger goes in for a Day Spa tomorrow morning. I can't wait. He's going to look so God damn cute. He's having his last big trim before winter. I think he'll appreciate it because he does overheat pretty quickly and his hair is getting a bit out of control. It'll be nice for him to be able to see out of his one and only eye and be able to crap freely!! I mean, haven't we all said that about ourselves at one time or another in our lives?

Well, I'm off to a friends for Potato and broccoli curry. I'm bringing the DVD (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas). Oh and I've added the comments function - So COMMENT you Bastards!

I'm such a bad mother!

2004-03-27T13:03:00.000+10:30

I think I might have fractured a bone in my beautiful little boys front left paw. Aaah, of course I haven't yet mentioned I have dogs! I'm not a single mum in the traditional sense. That being the "had sex, got pregnant, gave birth" scenario. I'm more your single, sadly substituting animals for my own progeny type of gal.

Actually, there's nothing sad about my situation. I adore my fuzzy little boys. Let's pause here and briefly introduce them to you.

First, there is Tiger. He goes by many names... Captain, String, Fuzzy____ (insert either face, bum etc whatever seems right at that moment), Jellybean, Damien (as in sporn of the Devil) and SHUT THE F&*# UP AND SIT DOWN BEFORE I SNAP ALL FOUR OF YOUR SKINNY LITTLE LEGS YOU WILLFUL BASTARD!!

He's a 3yr old Silky Terrier with no left eye and heaps of personality. He's a bit of a loner, although he's the first one to greet a newcomer to the house, the park or wherever else we may be. But once he's introduced himself and everyone's feeling comfortable, he returns to his own agenda. I'll put some piccies up soon.

He has a great Gameshow Host smile and the cutest arse. However, he's a little too territorial, so Barkbusters are coming 'round on Tuesday to sort him out. I'll report on the success (or otherwise) of that encounter next week.

My second "angel" is Jackson. AKA Noodle, Flop, Jackie Wackie and Shakie.

Jackson is a Tenterfield Terrier (sort of like the lovechild of Santa's Little Helper and Eddie from Frasier). He's 2yrs old and is one of the neediest, most pathetic creatures I have ever known. When he's upset he shakes, when he's excited he shakes, when he's hungry he shakes, when we play ball he shakes, when he's happy he shakes, when he's tired he shakes, when he's scared he shakes, when he's.... You get the picture?

Everyone falls for him because he's a skinny, gentle, cute looking thing and damn, he knows how to milk it! He eats anything he can fit in his mouth, which up until recently included his own shit. I'm pleased to say that charming habit has ceased. His obsession with the ball is both unhealthy and at times annoying. He loves standing in bathtubs (don't ask) and on a 45 degree Celsius day he would still choose to climb under a quilt with the electric blanket on high and a hot water bottle. Apparently, Tenterfield Terriers were originally bred on the Sun.

OK so there you have it. Back to my story.

About 3 days ago I came home with armfuls of groceries and while juggling keys, dogs, shopping and security alarms I accidentally stepped back onto Tigers paw. I only caught the very front of his toes and one of his toenails snapped off. It only broke up to the cuticle and didn't bleed, but it must have hurt like hell. After much cuddling and apologising, he pranced off without a care in the world.

I assumed all was fine, but last night when trimming his nails, he began screaming like a Banshee whenever I tried to get anywhere near the paw in question. Perhaps it's just sore and tender like a finger with a torn nail. I really don't know.

So that's my babies. I was going to discuss literature today. C'est la vie.

The superficial stuff (we all love)

2004-03-26T17:46:00.000+10:30

So you should have worked out by now that I'm female. I'm also 30-something, blonde (natural, take my word for it), blue eyed, about 5'6" (166cm) on a good day and currently I feel I'm the size of a barn, but realistically I'm probably only a light aircraft hanger.

I'll use common feedback and say I give the impression of being a confident, strong, determined woman. However, I would more likely describe this as bossy, pushy, neurotic and a control freak. Much of a muchness really.

I'm not good with authority. I won't do something just because I'm told to, I have to see the reason behind the action. However, once you've earned my respect and loyalty, there's little I wouldn't do for you. I have an overdeveloped maternal instinct and need to defend the underdog, which often leads me into battle on other peoples behalf. I'm learning to bite my tongue and not ALWAYS speak my mind. I'm also learning breakfast really is the most important meal of the day and Ranunculi bulbs look a lot like nasty little spiders.

I'm viciously private, which seems in conflict with having a journal on the net for all to read, but I guess it's easier for me to put down my thoughts in an abstract form such as this rather than share face to face with another human. The external mood I present to the public quite often won't be the emotions I'm feeling inside. I'm not inclined to let others see what's really on my mind. Life's short and it's much easier to just perform the "I'm in control, happy with life and interested in whatever the hell you're saying" version of me.

Yes, I am aware this is not a healthy or particularly honest way to interact with people, but guess what?! That's why I'm in therapy. OK, that's not the only reason why, but it's certainly part of the smorgasbord of dysfunction that makes me the special little camper I am today.

Shit, I have to go! Time flies when you dribble crap.

Holy Snapping Duck Shit!

2004-03-26T16:37:00.002+10:30

As you can see, I did not return to blogging as I had promised yesterday. That would be because the rest of the afternoon turned out to be some of the shittiest couple of hours I've had the stupidity to ever experience!!

I won't bore you with details... Suffice to say, I have been pushing my luck for a while on the roads of South Australia and now have a court appearance in approximately three months as a reward for my actions. You'd think the cop would have had the decency to let me off with a warning seeing as he REPEATEDLY stared at my tits the whole time he was booking me!

Anyway, moving on... I have made a decision. I have a peanut sized brain and with this in mind, rather than have the format I was going to create in this site eg links in the right column to "about me" pages, I shall just create entries with themes eg the music that moves me, the books I read etc etc.

When my brain evolves enough to work out how the F*@& to do the previously mentioned links (or I convince someone higher on the food chain to show me how), I shall transform my site!! Sound fair? Like I give a shit.

OK let the games begin.....

The first of it's kind...

2004-03-25T16:16:00.000+10:30

Well... this is my first entry. I think I'm weighing to much importance on it. If the first paragraph isn't the most profound thing I've ever written, it doesn't mean I've failed. Repeat after me, "It's OK to be average at times".

Why am I here? Why is it so important for me to be doing this right now? I think it's because I've lost my way. I had a clear path I was traveling for so long and I seemed to have mislaid it!? I don't even remember the last time I saw it. I'm not the type of person who can wander aimlessly through life. I'm not comfortable with a life without purpose or a set destination.

How did Kane (Cain?) do it? You know, walk the Earth meeting people and having adventures. Just be.

Christ, I need to get a coffee and take a "lighten the hell up" pill. That's what I'll do. Back soon.