Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Rene and Georgette Margritte with their dog apres la guerre...
If you don't know the line and the song, shame on you. It's the feeling I want to capture with someone... one day. Like so many of you out there, music is a significant part of my life and well being. Certain artists and particular songs touch my very soul. It still amazes me that a song I may have heard a thousand times will raise goosebumps on my skin and cause tears to well in my eyes. The lyrics and harmonies become part of who I am. To a degree, how I identify myself as a person.
I would like to thank everyone who has begun commenting on my posts. Some of your remarks have been so intimate and heartfelt that I know you've read my entry and really "got it". I'm so moved by your involvement.
today's going to read a bit choppy. Lots of little things have happened over the last two days, but nothing I'd see as cathartic. I guess the biggest event would be my self-imposed intervention with Barkbusters!!
I'll be honest. I went into this with a skeptical mind. You think about it... A 3yr old dog with deeply entrenched behaviour that closely mimics that of the dark angel Lucifer is going to be transformed into a controllable, obedient, praise seeking pet in two hours with the assistance of a complete stranger? What kind of odds would you give it?
Well, guess what? IT WORKED!!
Barkbusters is astounding and the consultant I had was an absolute legend. He wasn't hard to look at either. The change in both my boys is so significant that I'm harbouring concerns they may be little too submissive for my liking. Sam (the trainer) did warn me they may react like this at first. I guess having the control and power ripped away from you so suddenly must be disorientating.
Tiger not only obeys my every command, he's become far more affectionate. It's literally like invasion of the body snatchers. And no violence, pain, punishment or negative reinforcement is inflicted. I recommend them highly and only wished I'd done it sooner.
I have been introduced to the world of Chai. Thank you Dida, it was truly an experience. I'm not sure whether to buy the syrup or the leaves. I think I need to sample more options before my take home purchase, but either way I am definitely a new recruit.
Only 2 more days before I go back to work. I don't mind the idea of going back, but 2 weeks holidays isn't enough of a break. I'm only just getting into the swing of doing nothing and loving it! And there's so much nothing one can do!!
In fact, I might go off and do some more nothing right now.
sharn contributed at 15:51 | |
Monday, March 29, 2004
Broken Hearted
Has everyone experienced that one true love? As we grow up we're bombarded with the concept of a soul-mate; that one person you meet and the moment your eyes make contact, the heavens open and the ethereal harmonies of the angels and harps play... blah, blah, blah. You know what I'm talking about. The Sleepless in Seattle theory. We all want to buy into it at one time or another, and some of us are more romantic than others and need to believe it really does happen.
As a child/teenager, I never bought into it. I wasn't all that interested in having a boyfriend and frankly, the prospect of marriage, for better or worse, to death do us part, simply terrified me.
And then I met *him*. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you all, but my mum and Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks were right! It does bloody well happen like that. And it hurts like shit even when it's good because the feeling is so overwhelming and all-consuming. And... If, for whatever reason, the Universe screwed up the booking and brought the two of you together at the wrong time or place, the ending is enough to literally break your heart in two.
Why am I telling you this now? Because approx. 15yrs ago it happened to me and over the last decade and a half I had totally fooled myself into believing I had moved on and worked through all the emotions attached. Then last night while innocently scanning through obscure sites I came across a newsletter and guess who was the internationally recognised visiting expert and guest speaker featured on the front page? Big, bloody photo and all.
I had come to terms with the idea that he was living thousands upon thousands of miles away in a foreign country, probably very contented and settled with some gorgeous environmental activist wife, 2.3 repulsively, cute kids and a big, dumb dog. But the truth is, he's been back in Australia for at least 2 years and living in the very next state!!
I'm not sure if I can explain how I felt at the moment of discovery, but I'll give it a shot. All at once, I felt an aching hollow inside me while simultaneously feeling a sort of anxious nausea. I think I might have been shaking; It certainly felt like I was. But I think the strongest sensation was the loss of control. The pain and loss I experienced when we went our separate ways all those years ago was so devastating that I never again allowed myself to feel that strongly for anyone. It wasn't a conscious decision, it's just a coping mechanism that snuck into place. It took me years to even realise what I was doing.
So all my relationships since JD (that will do as a title), have been easy to walk away from. I've always been the one dictating the rules, saying when it's over and (here's the key) holding all the power. Power = control. Control = emotional safety.
The mere thought that he's only hundreds of kilometres away from me, in the same timezone, on the same continent and that there is a chance we may meet again one day, brought flooding back all the pain and insecurities of that day in 1988 when I watched a British Airways Boeing carry away the only someone I truly believed made me the person I wanted to be.
I think I need to go for a run.
sharn contributed at 14:23 | |
Damn them to Hell
I'm a Commonwealth employee and it's times like this I hate the sense of duty and obligation I have to my job. I just rang "People Support" to see if I could wangle an extra week of holidays, so I wouldn't have to return until 13.04.04. instead of 05.04.04. Alas, during my absence some Bigwig in Canberra decided I'd be the perfect candidate to trial this new state-of-the-art program for the next 3 months. Training commences on the 5th. I guess the painting and landscaping will have to wait!
Before I forget, let's all rejoice in the axing of "The Resort". Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY! That feels good, doesn't it? I have to admit, it lasted longer than I thought. But nonetheless, I am ecstatic to see it's demise. Is finding pleasure in other people's failure a bad thing? I guess it is, EXCEPT in regards to reality TV!! One more time for good measure... Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY!
The next item on my agenda; Email. I have a new address!! I've always had my work email, but given the sensitive and paranoid nature of my "employer", only a select few have that one. But now I have a new personal address and all are welcome to use and abuse it. ~ frontal-lobe@australia.edu ~
Hey, does anyone want a white 1989 Alfa Romeo Sprint? It was the last year they manufactured the model. It's 5 speed, white with a the smallest green trim along the bumper. Fully reupholstered, excellent stereo and amp, wooden racing steering wheel, excellent condition and always garaged. $4000 ono. It's a very sexy piece of machinary. I don't want to sell her but it doesn't have power steering and my shoulders can't take the strain anymore. (I had a car accident 2yrs ago - in a different car - and my neck and shoulders are still being worked on.)
sharn contributed at 13:59 |
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Sunday, March 28, 2004
Dial M for Murder
I have only one thing to say....
PORT ADELAIDE: 2.6, 7.13, 15.16, 23.20 (158)
ESSENDON: 1.5, 2.6, 6.12, 8.14 (62)
Actually I have one other thing to say....
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!
Sorry if I have offended anyone. It's bad enough when my darling black and red angels are defeated, but when they're HUMILIATED. Oh the pain! And by those Feral Portside Monkey Wankers!!! I don't think I can go on!
I need to cheer up. It's only Round One. C'mon everyone, join me.
See the Bombers fly up, up!
To win the premiership flag.
Our boys who play this grand old game,
Are always striving for glory and fame!
See the Bombers fly up, up,
The other teams they don't fear,
They all try their best,
But they can't get near,
As the Bombers fly up!
Hmmm.... I feel marginally better. Actually, I don't feel better at all. I think a good friend of mine is trying to kill me. Hence today's title. We decided our level of fitness left a lot to be desired, so regular Life Be In It! style get togethers were in order. Well, if I knew her definition of exercise was to test the human outer limits of pain and suffering, I possibly would have declined.
I think I'm learning to hate Sunday mornings. If it wasn't for the large number of rather strapping, young men in very little clothing, I doubt I'd bother turning up. Having said that, this mornings session was pretty lame. Neither of us felt like running (so, no sprints - YAY) and the stairs looked way too hard (so no embulism inducing climbs - YAY again), so we went for a quick dip instead. We go to the beach, if you're wondering what the hell I'm referring to.
I don't look like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 yet. What's going on there?!
Tiger goes in for a Day Spa tomorrow morning. I can't wait. He's going to look so God damn cute. He's having his last big trim before winter. I think he'll appreciate it because he does overheat pretty quickly and his hair is getting a bit out of control. It'll be nice for him to be able to see out of his one and only eye and be able to crap freely!! I mean, haven't we all said that about ourselves at one time or another in our lives?
Well, I'm off to a friends for Potato and broccoli curry. I'm bringing the DVD (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas). Oh and I've added the comments function - So COMMENT you Bastards!
sharn contributed at 17:46 | |
Saturday, March 27, 2004
I'm such a bad mother!
I think I might have fractured a bone in my beautiful little boys front left paw. Aaah, of course I haven't yet mentioned I have dogs! I'm not a single mum in the traditional sense. That being the "had sex, got pregnant, gave birth" scenario. I'm more your single, sadly substituting animals for my own progeny type of gal.
Actually, there's nothing sad about my situation. I adore my fuzzy little boys. Let's pause here and briefly introduce them to you.
First, there is Tiger. He goes by many names... Captain, String, Fuzzy____ (insert either face, bum etc whatever seems right at that moment), Jellybean, Damien (as in sporn of the Devil) and SHUT THE F&*# UP AND SIT DOWN BEFORE I SNAP ALL FOUR OF YOUR SKINNY LITTLE LEGS YOU WILLFUL BASTARD!!
He's a 3yr old Silky Terrier with no left eye and heaps of personality. He's a bit of a loner, although he's the first one to greet a newcomer to the house, the park or wherever else we may be. But once he's introduced himself and everyone's feeling comfortable, he returns to his own agenda. I'll put some piccies up soon.
He has a great Gameshow Host smile and the cutest arse. However, he's a little too territorial, so Barkbusters are coming 'round on Tuesday to sort him out. I'll report on the success (or otherwise) of that encounter next week.
My second "angel" is Jackson. AKA Noodle, Flop, Jackie Wackie and Shakie.
Jackson is a Tenterfield Terrier (sort of like the lovechild of Santa's Little Helper and Eddie from Frasier). He's 2yrs old and is one of the neediest, most pathetic creatures I have ever known. When he's upset he shakes, when he's excited he shakes, when he's hungry he shakes, when we play ball he shakes, when he's happy he shakes, when he's tired he shakes, when he's scared he shakes, when he's.... You get the picture?
Everyone falls for him because he's a skinny, gentle, cute looking thing and damn, he knows how to milk it! He eats anything he can fit in his mouth, which up until recently included his own shit. I'm pleased to say that charming habit has ceased. His obsession with the ball is both unhealthy and at times annoying. He loves standing in bathtubs (don't ask) and on a 45 degree Celsius day he would still choose to climb under a quilt with the electric blanket on high and a hot water bottle. Apparently, Tenterfield Terriers were originally bred on the Sun.
OK so there you have it. Back to my story.
About 3 days ago I came home with armfuls of groceries and while juggling keys, dogs, shopping and security alarms I accidentally stepped back onto Tigers paw. I only caught the very front of his toes and one of his toenails snapped off. It only broke up to the cuticle and didn't bleed, but it must have hurt like hell. After much cuddling and apologising, he pranced off without a care in the world.
I assumed all was fine, but last night when trimming his nails, he began screaming like a Banshee whenever I tried to get anywhere near the paw in question. Perhaps it's just sore and tender like a finger with a torn nail. I really don't know.
So that's my babies. I was going to discuss literature today. C'est la vie.
sharn contributed at 13:03 | |
Friday, March 26, 2004
The superficial stuff (we all love)
So you should have worked out by now that I'm female. I'm also 30-something, blonde (natural, take my word for it), blue eyed, about 5'6" (166cm) on a good day and currently I feel I'm the size of a barn, but realistically I'm probably only a light aircraft hanger.
I'll use common feedback and say I give the impression of being a confident, strong, determined woman. However, I would more likely describe this as bossy, pushy, neurotic and a control freak. Much of a muchness really.
I'm not good with authority. I won't do something just because I'm told to, I have to see the reason behind the action. However, once you've earned my respect and loyalty, there's little I wouldn't do for you. I have an overdeveloped maternal instinct and need to defend the underdog, which often leads me into battle on other peoples behalf. I'm learning to bite my tongue and not ALWAYS speak my mind. I'm also learning breakfast really is the most important meal of the day and Ranunculi bulbs look a lot like nasty little spiders.
I'm viciously private, which seems in conflict with having a journal on the net for all to read, but I guess it's easier for me to put down my thoughts in an abstract form such as this rather than share face to face with another human. The external mood I present to the public quite often won't be the emotions I'm feeling inside. I'm not inclined to let others see what's really on my mind. Life's short and it's much easier to just perform the "I'm in control, happy with life and interested in whatever the hell you're saying" version of me.
Yes, I am aware this is not a healthy or particularly honest way to interact with people, but guess what?! That's why I'm in therapy. OK, that's not the only reason why, but it's certainly part of the smorgasbord of dysfunction that makes me the special little camper I am today.
Shit, I have to go! Time flies when you dribble crap.
sharn contributed at 17:46 | |
Holy Snapping Duck Shit!
As you can see, I did not return to blogging as I had promised yesterday. That would be because the rest of the afternoon turned out to be some of the shittiest couple of hours I've had the stupidity to ever experience!!
I won't bore you with details... Suffice to say, I have been pushing my luck for a while on the roads of South Australia and now have a court appearance in approximately three months as a reward for my actions. You'd think the cop would have had the decency to let me off with a warning seeing as he REPEATEDLY stared at my tits the whole time he was booking me!
Anyway, moving on... I have made a decision. I have a peanut sized brain and with this in mind, rather than have the format I was going to create in this site eg links in the right column to "about me" pages, I shall just create entries with themes eg the music that moves me, the books I read etc etc.
When my brain evolves enough to work out how the F*@& to do the previously mentioned links (or I convince someone higher on the food chain to show me how), I shall transform my site!! Sound fair? Like I give a shit.
OK let the games begin.....
sharn contributed at 16:37 |
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Thursday, March 25, 2004
The first of it's kind...
Well... this is my first entry. I think I'm weighing to much importance on it. If the first paragraph isn't the most profound thing I've ever written, it doesn't mean I've failed. Repeat after me, "It's OK to be average at times".
Why am I here? Why is it so important for me to be doing this right now? I think it's because I've lost my way. I had a clear path I was traveling for so long and I seemed to have mislaid it!? I don't even remember the last time I saw it. I'm not the type of person who can wander aimlessly through life. I'm not comfortable with a life without purpose or a set destination.
How did Kane (Cain?) do it? You know, walk the Earth meeting people and having adventures. Just be.
Christ, I need to get a coffee and take a "lighten the hell up" pill. That's what I'll do. Back soon.
sharn contributed at 16:16 | |
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Right now I'm...
100 thangs...
Piccies of my Boys'n'stuff
Before I die...
My Dream Journal
2004: A To Do List
