My Own Private Belljar
~ You may be one person in the whole world, but perhaps to one person you are the whole world. ~
Saturday, July 24, 2004

Yeetgadal v'yeetkadash sh'mey rabbah

I lost a friend yesterday.  She died.  It was one of the tumours in her head that finally did it.  For a year now it's been a question of when, not if.  But she put up bloody good fight.

I haven't cried yet.  The tears just won't come.  I'm feeling the pain and the loss, but the outside just feels a bit numb.  I'm not sure if I really believe it.  Maybe that's what's suspending the full emotion.  The funeral is on Wednesday.  If I'm worried about the lack of tears now, I know there'll be no shortage of them then.  At the moment all I can think of is Rachel.  She's only 14 years old. How does a teenage girl develop into a woman without the most important woman in her life?

Amanda was deeply religious, although we never discussed the topic.  Her being Christian and me being a Jew delving in to Buddhism.  I hope her belief helped her in the end.  I know we were all floundering to offer any inspirational words.  Up until these last couple of weeks she had fought hard to appear positive or at least at peace with what was happening.  But I was too close to her for that to work.  The last six months have been so conflicting for me.  I never would have deserted her but everytime I visited I felt guilty because with me she wanted to share her fears and regrets.  I felt like I was the biggest reminder in her life of how unfair and cruel her battle really was.

I met Amanda a few years ago after she had first gone in to remission.  She had lost both breasts to cancer a year before but things were looking promising.  She was one of the kindest, most genuine people I'd ever met.  We worked for the same organisation which can be a very negative environment.  Every time staff member or customer lashed out at her or betrayed her trust and generosity, she would be so truly hurt and amazed by the incident.  But it never stopped her giving every bit of herself.  I've never worked with anyone else like her.

It's almost like she was too receptive to the emotions around her.  She felt other people's pain with them.  She loved her daughter and husband with more intense passion and outward emotion than I have ever seen in a woman.  I sometimes worried that she gave so much of herself that she left too little for her own sake.

About 18 months ago she started getting pains in her chest and back.  Her husband lost his job at about the same time so she ignored her own discomfort and focused entirely on him.  They sold their home and moved into a rental while they looked for a new place and established their own business.  Finally the pain could no longer be ignored and she went off to her doctor.  By then she was riddled with tumours in her pelvis, up her spine and through her lungs.  Her Specialist gave her about 4 to 6 months.

In a short period of time she lost her beautiful, thick auburn hair.  Her face bloated, the nausea became permanent and the morphine ceased making any significant impact.  This February the growths in her brain were discovered and they gave her a few weeks at most.  Of course she had already celebrated a Christmas she wasn't expected to see.

About 6 weeks ago she went into respite care and 2 weeks ago she lost the use of her legs.  The result of pressure on motor function regions of her brain.  She was determined to get her legs moving again.  That was her latest challenge.

She had a major cerebral stroke and passed away yesterday morning, Friday 23rd July 2004.  I was supposed to be visiting her today.

I miss her already.

sharn contributed at 19:52 | |

Sunday, July 18, 2004


All the left side of my jaw hurts.  Right inside and up to my left sinus pocket.  I woke up with it and thought I must have had a bad night of jaw grinding but it still hurts this evening. Poo!  I've already had my wisdom teeth out, surely you can only sprout 4 of the fuckers?!
The chemical burn is getting better but it's still sore and scabby which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't on my face!!  Gee, I'm a picture of health.
I went to Target and bought myself a few novels this afternoon.  One of them I already own. Oops. Back to Target tomorrow, I guess.  I keep meaning to print off a list of authors and bibliographies so I can tick them off as I buy and read them. Hmmm... good idea, that one.
Well, time to crank up the washing machine and cook some dinner (not in the washing machine, you understand.)
Be back later when I feel less sore, hungry and cold.

sharn contributed at 18:14 | |

Friday, July 16, 2004

Now I am starting to worry

I think I need to stop taking these dopey tests.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by

sharn contributed at 01:59 | |

Dear God, what does this mean??!?

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by

sharn contributed at 01:55 | |

Thursday, July 15, 2004

and this I fear...

Two shall be born...the whole wide World apart
and speak in different tongues...and have no thought
each, of the other's being...and no heed

and these same two
o'er unknown seas, to unknown lands, shall cross
escaping wreck, defying death
and all unconsciously
shape each act, and bend each wandering step
to this one end...
that one day, out of the darkness
they must meet
and read Life's meaning in each other's eyes

and these same two
along some narrow way of Life shall walk
so nearly side by side
that should one turn, ever so little space
to left...or right
they needs must stand acknowledged, face to face

and yet...

with wistful eyes, that never meet
and groping hands that never clasp
with lips, calling in vain, to ears that never hear
they seek each other all their weary days
and die unsatisfied

...and this is Fate.

Title Unknown - Dante Gabriel Rossetti

sharn contributed at 18:21 | |

Tiger squeezing in on the action Posted by Hello

sharn contributed at 12:35 | |

Little Jackson sound asleep with me on the couch Posted by Hello

sharn contributed at 12:34 | |


Somebody stop my boys from weeing in the house!!! I don't care if it's cold and raining outside... You're DOGS for F*CKS SAKE!!

Time for lunchy-munchies.

sharn contributed at 12:01 | |

Videologists and Chemical Burns

What, you may ask, do these two things have in common? I'm glad you asked! (Aaah, how I used to love Rob and Dean) <--- and if I have to explain who Rob and Dean are, then the point is academic, so either you understand or you don't and you need to live with that. Anyway, I digress... So to answer your question. Very little. Except of course they are both to be discussed in this entry.

Give me a break! It's really late. I'm tired, cold, thirsty and I couldn't think of a better title.

What I need to know is what's the best treatment for chemical burns. I have this rather unattractive deformation on my face (the joys of sensitive skin) that I'd love to rid myself of in the quickest time possible. Obviously I'd like to avoid permanent scarring as well, but currently the itching, dryness, scabby sensation, cracking, peeling and glow in the dark redness is my main preoccupation! LIKE I NEED THIS TO TAME MY IRRESISTIBLE, SIREN-LIKE BEAUTY!!

Seriously though, I have searched the net and found many informative sites and how to determine whether I have 1st, 2nd or 3rd degree burning, how to get more of it, if I so choose and what to do with it the very second it happens... But nothing on what I'm supposed to do after the fact. I have this uncontrollable urge to savagely exfolliate and then re-moisturise, but I know that would just end in tears.

Moving on...

Hmmmm... the Videologist. I doubt I would have even mentioned him except I was just updating myself on the past month or so of events from a Goth Perspective and read her brief theory regarding me running off with said Videologist.

Sadly, couldn't be further from the truth. Here's a heavily edited account of the last 2 months. Excuse the vagueness of my timeline, it's all blurred into one lately.

The last I'd mentioned, I had finally said "you should come over... blah, blah, blah". He said yes and he would call. Well, no call. In fact, he started to act a bit stand-offish. A well informed significantly older friend suggested that as he is PAINFULLY shy, perhaps the idea of entering my home as a first anything was a bit too full on and he was (for want of a better term) shitting himself.

Fair enough. So I emailed him and cleverly retracted the offer without hurting anyone's feelings. I also slipped in a reference to the fact that it was my birthday. (So subtle!) Lo and behold, I get a phone call the next day and a full rendition of "Happy Birthday" sung to me. Things are looking good. Next he lends me a friends DVD, it doesn't work on my player (different format) so he offers to lend me his machine because he knows it works on that one.

I demand he drop it off after work (he wanted me to come and pick it up from the store). He complies. However, as he arrives he informs me he is in a hurry (at 11:30pm on a Sunday?!), can't stay, must dash. Here's the machine, good to see you and *poof* gone!

So a week later I return his machine, the DVD and give him a token of my appreciation (the give away Harry Potter Castle in the Sunday Mail). NB/ He hates Harry Potter. Private joke. Highly appreciated and would you believe it... He FINALLY asks me to the movies.

The plan is he'll call me during the week to arrange a Friday night outing. 5pm Friday I receive an SMS saying lets make it Monday (it's a long week-end). Monday comes and goes and I hear nothing. I give him 24 hours to contact me and explain/apologise. Still, bubkis. At this point I send him a rather harsh message wondering whether he is still alive and receive an apologetic and humbling reply.

The following week he tries again and promises to call before the end of the week. And you guessed it!! Sweet FA!! I now resign myself to the fact that he is too gutless to explain that I got the wrong idea and he just wasn't interested, but he'd appreciate it if I would just FUCK OFF.

A few weeks pass by and I continue mulling over these events and decide I need to know the truth. He's back to being aloof and for me, it's make or break time! I send him the following... (or words to this effect)

"Hi ****. How's things etc. This needs to be said. I really enjoy your company and would love to catch up for coffee. But you need to tell me if that's what you want too. If I've got the wrong idea along the way, that's fine, just say. Either way, hear from you soon..."

No prizes for guessing his response. Because there wasn't one!! WTF?! It has been 3 weeks since I sent that. I dropped in to the store last Sunday for the first time since the SMS. He served me. A little awkward, but only because now I'm being stand-offish and he's trying to make conversation. No mention of the "you-know-what", just an odd feeling hanging in the air.

So I'm back to "what the fuck is going on in your head, Sunshine?!" and should really move on! But I can't. Or don't want to. If he wants me to rack off I wish he'd tell me!! I could just move on. But this not knowing is driving me nuts. Hmmm... I said this was going to be brief, didn't I? Sorry.

Please offer me some insight!! But be gentle.

sharn contributed at 00:19 | |

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Yes, It is I!!! The second shooter from the grassy knoll...

Can you believe your eyes!! You heard the gossip, the rumours, the hearsay... But you didn't want to get your hopes up, fearing you could never bounce back from the inevitable grief if it was just another falsehood.

But I'm here to tell you.... that, umm... well, that I'm here. Again.

Well, that was a fizzer. I'll just get straight into it then. This is going to be a brief entry. Firstly because I am supposed to be at Bob's very soon with popcorn and the Shrek DVD (I've never seen the movie and the sequel is apparently quite good). Secondly, I'm all over the place like an old man's underwear and I need to get my thoughts in order before subjecting the wider community to them.

What I will say is catching up on 2 months of blog activity is no small task. Shit people, could you write less or at least don't do so much with your lives! There are a few special people I have missed/neglected a great deal recently. I will be making amends promptly. There are also those to whom I had just started to feel a closeness. These I will rebuild and nurture from scratch again.

I have missed you all (in a internet-blog-don't-actually-know-a-lot-of-you kind of way!!) and can't wait to get back into the swing of blogging.

By the way, just in case anyone is wondering why I disappeared, it was a combination of - couldn't make my mind up about which provider to go with and being otherwise occupied with my own mental and emotional meltdown. But I can share all those juicy details with you later.

Enormous imaginary kisses and hugs to you all!!!

sharn contributed at 17:21 | |

Friday, May 14, 2004

See the Bombers fly up, up...


sharn contributed at 23:31 | |

Sunday, May 09, 2004

I think I might be Possessed

I did it!! I finally got fed up with all waiting and hoping and wondering and doubting... I asked the Videologist out. It took over 3 decades for me to come to terms with the concept of the woman making the first move, but I finally did it. Oh and he accepted. (Just in case you were wondering... And if you were, well that isn't very nice of you.)

He's waiting on the arrival of a certain "gift" he's organised for me and will be calling sometime during the week to find a night we're both free (which will be a mammoth task in itself). Then he's coming over to help me hook up the speakers on my home theatre bizzo and watch said "gift".

Faaaark, I'm too old for this dating scene shit. The questions and anxieties are already creeping in - What am I supposed to wear? I can't go normal at-home daggy (that's just too scary) but I can't overdress because I'm at home! - How do you smoothly handle the goodbyes on the first evening? I don't want any of that awkward leaning in/not leaning in shit. - How many days after the event do you follow up with a call? Should I do it or let him? If he calls me the next day I'm going to think he's obsessive, but if I don't hear from him within 24 hours I'm going to be convinced he hates me!

Oh My God, I had no idea I was this neurotic! I think I might have a couple of stiff drinks before he arrives.

You know, I've just realised why I'm being such a wanker. I've never "dated" before. This is all new territory for me - very weird. All my previous relationships were with people I'd already established a friendship with in either a work or social activity environment. We did all the getting to know each other stuff without any of the "dating" pressure, so by the time something developed, solid friendships had already been formed. Is it that strange that I've reached my 30's and have never been "out on a date"?

I guess, the way I've done it takes all the romance and courting out of the equation. Perhaps I'll be woo-ed. I quite like the idea of woo-ing. I think I just like saying woo. This Bastard better buy me flowers at some stage. That's an essential courting tactic, isn't it? I ain't puttin' out if I don't get some damn fine flowers!

What am I saying?!??! I am suffering acute sleep deprivation. I just read through what I've typed and you can actually tell I'm involuntarily rambling.

Dida, I think we need something really tacky, like "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" style get togethers to counsel me through this! A girls night in at my place. Home-made Marguerittas, Jules' Nachos, some good jazz in the background. What'ya reckon? Miss Catliciousness must also attend so that we can finally meet.

I'll leave the idea out there in the ether to evolve and refine. Any suggestions are welcome and encouraged. But we must not dilly-dally. I am in desperate need of help!

~kisses to you all~

sharn contributed at 22:19 | |

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